Meh
This is much harder than I thought it would be. It’s not even a week yet but it’s been a constant rollercoaster ride. I know I’m susceptible to massive swings in mood and when I get down I really do hit that wall where I’m quite happy to crawl up in a corner and just wallow for hours on end. I’m having to detach to get rid of the emotions, which is what I did with Hec, it all feels very similar actually. The problem is that I force myself to emotionally detach by creating all these false reasons in my head as to why I should end it now and that it’s not worth staying for. It means I stop being so depressed but it’s hard to then turn off and you can’t just turn the original feelsing back on. I convince myself out of thinking a particular way so much that you end up believing it.
Hec and I aren’t working out at all like we planned. Any time we talk it’s stilted and akward. Out timetables never seem to match up and we’ve not seen each other since the first night he got back. We’ve made plans to catch up a few times but one of us always cancels. I really like Cam but if I’ve got to emotionally shut down every couple of months that he goes it’s going to get very taxing. I can’t spend half of my year depressed just so the other half is amazingly perfect and comfortable. It’s not healthy.
